Sunday, August 14, 2011

I've been wanting to write a blog for weeks now.. I've been putting it off because there is just so much I can put into this one blog, and I was trying to figure out the way I was going to put it all together. I still haven't figured it out.. so here goes nothing.

This summer has been wonderful and devastating.. I love where my life is going and where I am headed. The summer camp I've been working at has been almost life changing, I have met amazing people there coworkers and campers. I have now figured out I am exactly where I need to be. I love that I have come to realize that you really can change a person's life with just a smile and a hug. This camp couldn't have been in my life in more a perfect time. I needed it to keep my spirits up as well....

After working 2 weeks at camp, I went back to my apartment in Columbus and literally passed out.. I had went to Cincinnati to my 1st Reds game right after camp, AMAZING game to say the least, with great friends. =) I drove home and passed out.. I had only gotten 5 hours of sleep the night before and drove from columbus to Cincinnati with no nap! Very long day.. I woke 7 hours later and had this weird feeling that I needed to call my mom.. I usually call her everyday when I wake up, but something was telling me to call her urgently. I called her and we talked about the usual.. what she had done all week while I was at camp and all that jazz.. and then suddenly she stopped asking questions and sighed.. and she started off saying well I have to tell you something and I've been keeping it off for a couple days because you were at camp and you went to that game with your friends and I didn't want to upset you.. and all of these thoughts flooded my mind, and I was stricken with panic. 1st thing that came to mind was her saying that my grandpa had passed away, because his health hasn't been the best. But she started off the sentence with my Grandma Irene, and I was so confused. She said a bunch of stuff that I didn't really listen to because there were so many things racing through my brain at the moment. The only sentence I heard from it was that they did a cat scan on her brain and found a tumor. I became more distraught, and then she said the doctor told my grandma with the size and location of the tumor she may only live up to two months. I felt like my body couldn't move and anything else that my mom had said over the phone didn't register in my brain. I was shocked.. and tears didn't come to my eyes because I didn't get it, I had just been with my Grandma the week before this news and watched her laugh and actually get in her car and drive off to run errands, which she was excited for because she finally got her license back after been restricted for her to drive because of her legs. My heart instantly broke, after my mom continued to tell me that  her speech was impaired and her memory was short. It just didn't seem fair to me, that it was happening so fast. She warned me not to be shocked when I called her.. she understands everything were saying but to be aware some of her speech would not be understandable. This all seems like it was a long conversation but it was a 5 minute phone call and I had to hang up with my mom immediately.. I hate showing sad emotions to others.. she asked if I was okay, and I said "Yep, but I am going to go." I think she understood why, and let me hang up. I sat in my bed dumbfounded and was trying to let everything process until I finally let realization get the best of me. All of these memories flooded my thoughts, and as I sit in a room decorated in old hollywood, which I fell in love with when I was younger because of her. I thought about how I stayed the night with her almost every week night, when I was younger, because my mom went into work early and she babysat me. How I would sit next to her as she played the piano and would teach me one certain chord that I would play as she played the rest so we could play the song together. How we always seemed to end up watching Singin' in the rain (All time favorite musical) and laugh every time we watched the scene with Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor singing "Make em laugh", and how we would sing and dance to every song they sang. She still sometimes answers the phone and starts singing "Good morning, good morning" and I sing along with her =) ..  How her and my great uncle took me out to eat every Tuesday at the old corner cafe, and I would get a salad with poppy seed dressing, and spaghetti with one big meat ball! How she taught me how to put blush on with your lipstick so it would stay on longer. How we talked about what my wedding would be like someday, and I really do remember a certain conversation we had.. she talked about how she would help decorate it because she is an amazing artist.. and how she could see me in a fancy lace dress like the old fashion actresses would wear.. how she hoped that God would bless me with someone amazing and how she hoped he will make me smile everyday. That's what breaks my heart the most.. she has seen my brother get married. been a part of it, helped decorate it. She's gotten to meet my sisters boyfriend.. she has gotten to experience the love of two grandchildren from my brother and sister. But from me.. she won't get to be a part of any of it. I've never brought a guy over to meet my grandparents, they've never seen me care for a guy. She won't get to be there when I get to walk down the isle, she won't get to experience my children.. she won't get to watch me walk and receive my degree. Yes I know, she will watch from Heaven.. but its still heart breaking.. and as I sit here with tears streaming down my face.. I am still in disbelief. My 1st prayer to God was to make sure she didn't feel any pain, and for me to get to talk to her before her speech completely vanish. I finally got a hold of her the next day after my mom told me the news. She was right, her speech was completely mumbled. The 1st sentence she said instantly brought tears to my eyes.. the realization set in.. I sat and listened as I helped in gasps of air holding back tears. She asked me a question and I could barely answer.. I could only speak to her for 3 minutes. She started crying, and saying that she has been pleading to God that let her live to see the new grandchildren be born.. just a few more months is all she wanted. After that I told her I had to go, I felt so bad.. But I didn't want her to know I was devastated. Her last question on the phone was will you say a prayer for me, and I answered.. I already have been.. and she cried again and said Oh Andrea, I love you. I said I love you back with a very shaky voice. I told her I was going to come visit her as soon as I could, and she said I'll be here with a little spirit in her voice. I hung up the phone and tears raced down my face and my head fell to my hands. I finally believed it.. I finally understood I was going to lose my grandmother in just a short period of time. I took 2 weeks off of camp, and everyone was so supportive. LOVE everyone there. I finished out the week because they had already assigned me campers and I couldn't do that to them. So 2 days after hearing the news I worked an entire week of camp.. had the sweetest campers and that helped me forget about the heartbreak I was experiencing.. little did I know I was going to get the best gift from God! I went home and went straight to my grandma's and my mom met me at the door and told me that Grandma had been given steroids so her speech was completely back. God answered my prayer, as I walked into my grandmas house she was sitting at her piano playing a cheery tune. I had a huge smile on my face, as I still held back my tears. She turned around and gave me the biggest grin! She goes well hello! I am feeling so good today! It's been many years since I have seen her this giddy! Sadly, it took her having a brain tumor to get her back up there, but I will take it I suppose. We went back for a 2nd opinion and she decided to get a biopsy done.. and then the doctor gave her the decision between hospice care taking over now and or trying chemo and radiation. She picked chemo.. She really wants to see these little boys! Which I am exuberant about because I want her to see them more than anything! She may be sick and miserable by the time they are born but at least she will be able to see there little faces. I pray everyday and night for her.. and I have prayed for myself.. and its worked. I asked God to help me understand it all and accept it and live on. I have come to terms with eventually having to say goodbye to her, and to be happy with her until the very end. Life on earth eventually comes to and end, and I can't be upset because we really do go to a much more amazing place. I can't wait to meet her up there some day and talk about my life after her death. My wedding, my children, my husband, my career, what goals I reached in life. I trust God, and know things happen for a reason and that he is going to take such good care of her until I meet her again. But for now I am going to enjoy her and make her proud of me. I love my Grandma Irene. =)